Today I spend the second day in Sherry’s company. We have bonded in a wonderful way, making me see the link between everyone, and in myself clearer. We have been drinking sake for half the day in Ryoshi Restaurant and understood together that the natural flow of things will happen, whether you rebel or not.

Rebels with a cause, I feel we are.

I came home, in love and loving your smile as I always do. But I still did not like the dependance I saw in her, in you. I’m tired of this, if she continues to stay and play with my mind this way – it is something I do not need, and it will manifest that way.

I intend this, I only wish her true love found, but not in mine.

I may be a little drunken, but my soul feel right in this. If I tell myself I shouldn’t deny what could be truth, I will leave you in order to save myself. You are not helping in saving my sanity, perhaps it is true that my spiritual love for you may not be concrete. That is what I need to know. I love you truly mentally, physically, even sexually but why is there a question mark in my spiritual love for you? Is this what I will learn from you?

I feel you could be happy without me. Could I be happy without you?

Tuesday: October 20th 2009

It was a strange, not so comfortable but beautiful day by the beach today. White sand virgin beach by Candidasa with big waves that knocked everybody over in laughter.

We had a slight argument last night, my mind is messy with questions but last night before sleep, I removed all forms of expectations from myself.

Thursday: October 22nd 2009

Without internet up here, I really want to wish my oldest friend Evelyn a Happy Birthday! Yellow Magnetic Human, from today you will vibrate in this magnificent frequency. Knowledge is yours, love is ours, forever.

I woke up today with a bad bad dream, it took me 2 hours of tears and a lucid dreaming sequence to get me recovered, and I still feel shell-shocked. Patience is the only thing that will help me get through this. Patience and deep, deep knowledge, and awareness.

Every woman deserves to cry at least once a month. It used to be once a year. A wise man once told me that the German word for passion also has the term suffering in it. I endure in order to learn, to survive, to continue my mission in giving. Hope comes that I will receive again, and expectations are still removed.

I feel the tears behind my throat pushing itself but this time I must refrain to keep breathing. Simplicity comes in breathing, and this time I breathe deeper than usual – I always breathe too short, this change is good.

Will I be able to last 3 years? Should I?

It is correct, that despite the magical quality of its compatibility, sometimes the Scorpio needs a break from the Cancerian in Venus. Tonight’s moon in Scorpio is thin, like a smile up there, bright in the sky. It went into hiding the moment I left your side on the dinner table. Perhaps you will never know how happy I am inside.

But then what?

I have to remember in myself that all forms of jealousy is petty. This could be what Miika meant when he told a 17-year-old me: “to just never believe in jealousy – for if you don’t like an emotion, then it doesn’t exist.”

I suddenly got thinking: considering the world is heating up everyday with global warming, does that mean if you are in an Air sign, you will heat up in these next years? If you were Fire, you would be the one who heats up the world? If you were Earth, you will be poisoned, and slowly crumble? And if you were Water, would you be part of the process where all the cold people in the world will melt, leaving you to take over the world?

I retreat into my corner, facing the living room in my home.

Since I have arrived, I have been settling myself in this new home, this new home I’ve said yes to, for you. This love seems to be difficult, but it has never felt more real.

There has been recurring themes playing in my mind these days:

1. There is nothing to worry about.

Last night I had discomforting dreams once again. The silence of pure darkness woke me (for the first time I woke up without the comfort of our candlelight and music), and in the dreams I faced I saw a part of myself I did not know before. I saw jealousy, insecurity, dependance. These are the fears I woke up to, and immediately I shot it out, released it into the darkness and right at that moment, the light of the Sun seeped in and the overwhelming message that filled up my entire body was this: ‘There is nothing to be worried about’. I turn to your back facing me in bed and I wonder if that was you who told me that, in your sleep. Or if it was me, telling myself the thing I needed to know, about you.

2. True friendships stick together, no matter what.

This is pretty clear, and it is always to be expected.

3. One step at a time teaches patience.

When life and love demands through inspiration that you become a better person, you accept it with open hands. Hands that give and receive. And like mother nature, do not rush through things, yet watch as your visions manifest and everything is accomplished. It’s not to say that you should always go slow, but take a deep breath and follow the wind that breezes through the leaves – don’t be the storm that tears through the forests.

I cannot become the perfection that you seek, a perfection that in my mind exists in the realm of our dreams. But I will grow with you in the spirit of pure stimulation, creation, harmony and discipline: that is my choice. We live together, not under each other’s wing… I hope you let me in time and turn be the wind beneath the wings of this golden eagle.

Tuesday: October 13 2009

Sometimes I think that because I keep on saying this love is difficult (despite it being so real) makes it more and more difficult. I do not want to be the scorpion that feels so intensely over everything that happens or doesn’t. I cannot project my own ego ideals upon you, because you are who you are too.

I realize that you find it difficult to be in a warm, enduring relationship if you do not feel at ease with your career. I respect you for that, but I continue to let go of the alarm bells that ring in my mind. Riccardo once loved me too, but he hurt me all the time. He was not a real man, I feel you are. It is not as easy as I thought to let go of blame and forgive.

Something in my mind wants to give you a deadline, but my heart cannot see a deadline between us. My soul does not see an end.

Wednesday: October 14 2009

I found the only ways to keep this relationship alive are:

a) Believe that all jealousies are petty.

b) Understand that fear is not an option. ‘I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.’

c) Learn Russian. 3 steps to enlightenment: Light, Life & Love.

Light = Passion, Life = Energy, Love is what binds everything together.

Friday: October 16 2009

I recently heard that an old flame and friend of mine, Clemens Milborn, recently passed away. Having been beaten to death in Thailand, this extremely tragic death of a very special man haunted me a day before I heard the news. It might be bad to believe that he went back to his home planet, but it certainly feels so and I feel he’s in a better place right now.

Clemens taught me that the ultimate act of revolution is to fall in love. He was pure enough to have to be in love right before his death, and I’m happy that I’m living the revolution as you read this.

Oriental Princess came out with a new range of organic beauty products – named aptly after the planets and their influence. Mars as a leader, Venus as a sophisticate, Saturn as a logical mind, Jupiter as a generous mind and Mercury as an intellectual. As Mars is coming into Leo today, I started using the Mars shower and bath cream. It feels remarkably visionary (definitely the first time I’ve said that about any soap.)

Last month, my love & I custom-ordered two rings for each other. Yesterday we received it from Luca & the silver makers and I have never felt so happy to wear a particular ring. It is the most beautiful ring I’ve ever had, and seeing his on his finger makes him even more beautiful. Gold blended with silver, with a carved red coral of Ganesha from Nepal set at the middle, looking out at the world. Strangely enough, it was made to fit on our wedding ring fingers but it doesn’t fit on any finger except the right hand engagement finger. This feels fine, for we are not married yet. I will never take it off.

Ganesha as a symbol: being the creator and remover of obstacles, the god of intellect & learning. We are both now symbolized as each other’s fire & air, sun & moon as well as each other’s earth, space and heaven. He is at my base and solar foundation, together we govern the forces that propel the wheel of life by holding, supporting and guiding.

Pictures will be coming, as soon as daybreak hits.

Tuesday: September 1st 209

Maya our little cat here is having nightmares as she lays next to me. I had nightmares last night too.

I can’t wait to get a new phone, so I can take pictures of where I currently write from. I am at home, in Bali.

The truth is I do not feel like it is home yet, but my home is where you are. I’ve grown to transcend synchronicity between us – an eternal love in this perfect environment that is built for unconditional love. And it is here that I will learn that every perceived negative comes with a positive attached to it. It is the way of the Gemini, and I thank Mars for being placed in this glorious sign right now.

I’m meditating everyday on my spiritual warriors to protect me from paranoia, from fearful intuitions while increasing my gratitude to receive more blessings, naturally. Artemis, Eireen, Kuan Yin, Isolt and Sulis. All unfolds in perfect harmony.

‘A wise magician is spontaneous and transparent, allowing magic to come in rather than trying to control it or make it happen. A magician dances the dance of love through offering gifts of freedom to others. This is real magic. Freed from the need to use power to manipulate or control, a magician uses wisdom to manifest liberation and love.’

Wednesday: September 2nd 2009

This morning’s little party was an unusual one.

Unable to sleep, I sat outside with a candle looking out into the mountain, watching the sunrise.
I decided to go for a walk down to see how close I can get to the river below, and to feel the red earth on my feet. It was stable, and the leaves did not rustle to tell me stories. So my mind continued on it’s motivational madness.

I’ve never felt happier, and calm now that my heart is settled, now it’s just time for my mind to take it’s time (giving myself 2 weeks) and stabilize my thoughts and appreciations.

Gentleness is the strength behind true power.

Tuesday: September 8th 2009

My mind swims around thoughts of the coming weeks. I’m returning to KL to work like clockwork, the time is ticking and ticking on – I will miss you again and again.

Mercury is on retrograde in Libra. It will be time for intense self-examination for you, my love. Remember to laugh more at this, you are all that is powerful and perfect.

I have changed as much as I don’t feel right watching sunsets anymore, but to love and appreciate the sunrise, lying awake beside you. Sometimes I feel like sensitivity and warmth does not reach my core, and then I remind to stop playing the melancholy game only adolescents play.

Something inside me misses Greece terribly. What was it in the air that made me so comfortable? How will I bridge this world with you? This country that is so tolerant, so spiritually powerful, so family-oriented – a home I felt away from home, even for a little while. I remembered seeing blood from a cut on my feet, bleeding in the ocean as I looked up in the full moon above me in Crete – the night of the last lunar eclipse, almost exactly a month ago. I promised Greece I will be back.

The yellow of our spirit, the cave that made me seek comfort.
The pebbles in the ground shake like the softness of our sheets.
We will never change, we are who we are.
The modern way is the only way we can get out of here.

All my past relationships have prepared me for this one. I know where I’m going, we are ever knowing.

I repeat: I will stop at nothing to get what I want.

“The real meaning of enlightenment is to gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness.” – Nikos Kazantzakis

It’s amazing how different the trees in different countries look. Honestly the trees in Malaysia are really pretty too, but the animals generally are better lookin’ in Europe.

I spent a little over 2 weeks in Greece with Myrto and Damien, it was everything I imagined Greece to be for me, and more.

I must & I will go back to Greece one day. I really miss the amusing chaos, the incredible food, the subtle but powerful Greek mysticism, the big beautiful, twinkling eyes of the Greeks and their almost-consistent nonsensical swearing.

However, I returned to Kuala Lumpur and was never so happy to see one person. After all, almost everyone’s name in Greece ends with Os. The anticipation of having our first glance of each other built up and the initial kiss proved that the wait was worth it. We are now united again as one.

My soul has only started to arrive back in Asia. I miss the European differences – the languages, the packaging, the tastes, the wind taking me from place to place. It was a perfectly physical human journey – I feel elevated after Europe, despite how short it all was (everytime I arrived at a place, it took me a week to adapt, and after another week I had to leave already.) It was the same back in Kuala Lumpur, it has been almost 2 weeks and I’m now writing this on the Wi-Fi enabled bus heading to Singapore.

Our journey continues, but this time without my phone, without my iPod. Yellow Self-Existing Human, indeed I am of this path, this year.

I learnt from climbing the Swiss mountains with Ben, and boulder-climbing up a river that opens up to the Libyan Sea in Crete, that we all must move towards the beauty of truth and commitment, not away from it. And just when you think you can’t do it anymore, you can – until nature starts to give you signs like physically hurting you (or yourself having inabilities to be aware anymore) that you can stop, take a deep breath and decide whether to go on or not.

I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free. - Nikos Kazantzakis, speaking for me.

Stage 2 begins.

As I look out the train window, I’m greeted with the comfortable beauty that is Switzerland.
It’s possibly more beautiful due to the fact that I understand the Swiss about 25% more than I do the French. Let’s see how the cheese rates. The nature certainly is breath-taking.

My last few days in France were… quite magical. I left determined that my love is eternal, and having internal assistance from a White Wizard cannot possibly be a bad thing. I do miss my wonderful partner-in-crime Romain’s jittering bounce and constant state of fluxx, but we’ll meet again soon. Unicorn power hops beyond time and space, now it’s confirmed! Let’s Bali!

Sometimes when you think you know everything about having summer all year, the sun comes out and brings you a piece of springtime that I missed. And when it hits you on Sundays, it hits you twice as hard.

Poudre de Perlipinpin. I knew it was brewing stronger than any morning coffee even before it all happened.

I heard the depth of his voice, I stayed low in my little boatroom. I didn’t know that both siblings of the King of the Apes would plan their next move – to marry me into the family? I laughed, but stopped when I opened my door and saw him standing right in front of me.

I resisted him for 3 days, difficult as it is. I did it all for you, my star. I will not resist the fact that we synced and circled around each other, danced in our nighttime dreams, and had his mere blink of his eyes in the morning make me smile. It was just a while – you know how Red Magnetic Moon men work.

I had to leave France.

My promised is kept, and I learnt that only spiritual connection can offer me true freedom. I will be his echo, but I belong to my shadow.

Today

I slip and slide around Ben’s house with socks, brown tights, my new Bikini Kill shirt Romain gave me, and my green pixie jacket. Ben’s company is enlightening as I imagined, his Red Cosmic Earth energy is something I mature on as I focus on. And he makes great pasta. It rains today, the first rain I’ve seen in Europe so far.

It’s amazing how tanned I’ve gotten since I’ve been here. I’m glad I didn’t tan in Asia, I would be black by now.

Switzerland, Zurich in particular, seems to be strangely perfect. Artistic, rich, beautiful, loaded with cheese, chocolate and good beer, it’s an incredible place, with an incredible price tag. I arrived here forgetting that the Swiss doesn’t use Euros, oops, brain fart! I’ll be posting pics up in the next post.

I’m still riddled with a question of whether to return to my home love, to my king, the one sunflower, and my cats. Or whether I should stay on my journey, and make Ozora my final European bang. I’m afraid of only one thing: losing you in time and space.

Meeting Romain again after 2 and a half years is like how I imagine spinning fire would be – smooth, skillful, fast and fun. I can’t have been luckier than to meet his group of friends, certainly one of the most beautiful, coolest, cutest groups of friends in Paris. Even if I didn’t speak French, their movements are fluid, their smiles open, their eyes twinkling and spirits soaring with the best flexible energy of one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever been to.

Thank you for the best first times a girl could have in Europe.

What were the highlights?

As clichéd as it could be, it would be the architecture and romance of the Lourve, particularly at night. Montmartre was so spectacular I had to go back there again to purchase a handmade silver bracelet with a unakite stone made by a sweet, talented artist called Manu.

I will forever be envious of the French for their abundance of cheese, and the existence of Dark Dog – guarana in a can!

I have also never been happier that the hottest men in Paris I met are gay.

I’m missing my Yellow Star more than I have ever missed anyone. I made a card reading for us yesterday, in the presence of a healer, an eagle and a white mirror. The cards read:

Forgive. Love Heals Fear. Truth. Love. Share.

We keep in sync, love be eternal. I do feel like I found the one.

I write this in the train, sitting next to Romain who draws multiple flowers. We listen to Eleusis’ Persefone and once in awhile I zone out on the passing French countryside outside the train window. I can’t wait to see fields of sunflowers, even more to run through them.

July 8th & 11th

In Agde, a most random town in the south of France is where I landed. It turns out that Bessier, the main town, is the hub for the infamous French Connection heroin traders. This is where the Tour de France also started, a pretty little town with lots of lavender, huge flies, olive oil and wheat fields.

I stay with Roman’s sister Emilie and her boyfriend, Anto, switching between her cosy large groundlevel apartment in town to a supersweet mobile home among the gypsy communities. The mobile home feels like life on a yacht, and we are only 3 minutes walk to the beach of fine, fine sand and the cold, beautiful Meditarannean sea. In the horizon I see the Spanish mountains… it is quite lovely here.

Here magic certainly exists, but it is difficult, yet so interesting, to place a finger on the gypsy spirituality and apparent power.

I find myself working with Emilie’s fashion trade shop, and today, in the mad heat of the sun in Bessier’s morning marketplace. It is not what I expected – instead of working in the German psychedelic festivals, I’m working with French gypsies and living a simple, pleasurable life. I sleep well so far, although occasionally my dreams have been erratically eccentric. What do fire-engines signify? Still, every night, you are in my dreams.

This experience is certainly unusual, and one of a kind. Could I be the first Malaysian girl to live among the gypsies of France?

I met a wonderful crystal healer today called Roxanne, I bought a most beautiful silver ring from her – it looked like fireworks on my fingers. A few hours later in the sweltering heat, while helping Emilie pack her tonne of clothing into various bags, the ring was lost. Roxanne gave me her last unakite stone as a present: Unakite is used to help you overcome problems of the past.

Why do I miss my ring so much? I spent an hour alone in the dark of the moonlight digging through the bags, inside the giant caravan, looking for it. I felt like a true Rat, digging and searching for that tiny piece of cheese.

Farida, looking for her silver ring of fireworks. The firework display on the beach for the French National Day today did not suffice. I have never owned such a beautiful ring. I will find it before I leave this place.

July 12th

Anto found my ring!!! Fireworks back in place.

I found guarana in a can again, in Lipton Red Tea. Energy back in place – I say no need for methadone, people!

Tuesday: 16th June

The Flower of Life.

Does it mean to be on a constant cycle of rebirth and rediscovery? When will you stop and think ‘This is me.’, without contemplating the future, and looking for signs into the past, to help your present? You are perfect as you are.

We have found our missions in life. We will continue to serve our own purpose, for the better of everyone.

I sit today in a perfect room, dim and romantic, on a high four-post bed covered with maroon curtains. At night we sleep in the flickering light of a little candle, the weather so cool outside that our bodies’ warmth without ventilation feels comfortable. Outside the river flows endlessly, the crickets chirp in the jungle, the gecko occasionally calls – reminding us of the simple, spiritual lives we chose to lead.

I’ve cared for no one, adored no one, as much as I do you at the moment. What is the secret? What is in the shadows – shadows I know exist through my intuition. It is not something I fear, and your mystery pulls me closer. I will face it if it harms me, and it cannot harm me more than a bad dream.

Snakes also don’t bite good girls and loyal women.

For one to heal, one must let go of all pain and suffering.

I continue to step in and out of a constant wave of meditation, here in Ubud. The ringing bells in the music you play outside allows it to automatically happen. Gratitude levels increase, energy up to a high, high green. I would certainly, strongly recommend getting in love, people.

Even if you don’t receive it back, do not expect. There is enough love inside everyone, I start to wonder if that is the true cause of global warming.

The heart really has its reasons that reasons ignore.

Wednesday: 17th June

Here I learn everyday in deeper depth that I thought: of my purpose in life, and learnt to strengthen my intuition – syncing into myself, syncing with you on our not-so-secret nonlocal and quantum level. I never imagined before that the existence of a deep spiritual connection like this with another would allow me to be this happy. Minus the desire for intimacy, and sensuality comes tenfold, intimate moments be like sensory fireworks.

Knowing that you sleep at night next to me, resting your restless mind while I rest mine, allows me a deep peace and passion I never felt before.

What is truer than truth? It is the story. I watched the TEDtalk on ‘Slowing Down in a World that’s Built for Speed’  and was inspired (it’s a habit these days) to just take slower steps and understand the patience that leads to imminent success.

And our parting… will be all I know of hell.

Thursday: 18th June

I admire you today, as always, but indeed as the stars state, all is bright and special.

Saturday: 20th June

Happy Birthday o’ Sacred Onyx! Today the world is yours, come what may.

The music plays deep, you surprise me every time! I know now you can also speak the darkness to me too. I accept it, as life without darkness would be without light. Two bright stars shine up in the sky. I will now dance for you and me.

30 minutes later. The deeper we go, the deeper we get. I slowly release my fear.

I see you smile and that’s all that matters. Deep complex emotions run through me, but I think, suffer and refuse to entertain it more than a few minutes or seconds at a time. I cannot leave you, and it hurts to see you and me in silence, attempting to enjoy the moment with a deep-seated fear of the unknown inside us.

I am yours. The decision is now mine, I realize.

Sunday: 21st June

The morning brings me warmth again over the cool temperatures. A black and white butterfly flies past, gravitating around the sides of the swimming pool below me where a tile-and-stone mermaid swims at the bottom while her boyfriend waits at the surface.

I’m letting the universe give me my answer. Is that you inside the treasure chest? I’m crossing over the rainbow now, power up baby, wait up! This chaos we face together is part of love, because it is infinite.

So I was wading through the river to the other side when a huge dragon swam behind me, pushing me straight to other side.

I blinked, and I am in Bali.

Surrounded by beauty, truth, existence and cosmic significance. This home, where I sleep on a high 4-post bed of maroon curtains, is breathtaking. I’m left speechless as I write, on a balcony overlooking a jungle cliff, sounds of a river flowing, birds chirping and leaves rustling. There is a swimming pool below me, a mermaid swims inside as her partner leans against the rocks. This house made of stone and clay, fitting easily a hundred colorful people, healing the healers, inspires me beyond my comprehension. I cannot help but accept.

Last night our transfers of breath and spirit was truly a dream come true. Last night the dragon swam up, providing truth in a magnet between me and you. The smiling moon and the one bright star sat side by side in the sky – was our future discussed?

Air + Earth + Fire + Water: Venus in Water + Mars in Air
Air + Fire + Water + Earth: Venus in Air + Mars in Water

Today, June 14th, Mars has entered Gemini and I feel it already. This sync will go on, but it will be up to the both of us.

I remain quiet, absorbing the energy of this magical island. What is this charm?

The past 2 weeks have, for many reasons, been really happy for me.

Epic Tribe took a trip back in time, in the present, to have a reunion with the grounds that first took Malaysia into the psychedelic world. It was fascinating to watch in 827 the huge change that has taken place – musically, spiritually, artistically.

When we began it was just a little group of us, fans of Zirkin’s Super Song and Hujaboy, dancing on bubble wrap on the ground, wrapping curtains on the trees, laughing and circling one another like new ponies in a field.

Some of us grew to become horses. It feels, and I’m sending the hope out to the sky, that the independence and nobility of our lives will stay on.

I am leaving soon to Europe, it feels like the journey already started. I miss my friends already.

Something else has appeared in my path, something I foreshadowed through my dreams of whales but did not expect to be so special. It is a range of complex emotions currently running through me, a deep spiritual connection so open, and enlightening.

How do I harmonize myself without thinking too much of myself? Must I be more deliberate?

We have our moments.

The direction of life is from duality to unity: Today I want to belong. I want to feel safe and at home. I want to be aware of what it’s like simply to be, without defenses or desires. I will appreciate the flow of life for what it is–my own true self.

Today I will remember the difference between being at one with myself and being scattered. I will find my center, my peace, my ability to go with the flow. The thoughts and desires that drive me are not the ultimate reality. They are just a way to get myself back to oneness.

I am living in many dimensions at once; the appearance of being trapped in time and space is an illusion: Today I will experience myself beyond limitations.

In the same way I will experience love as a light that begins in my heart and spreads out as far as my awareness can reach; as images arise in my mind, I will send love and light in their direction.

Adapted from The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2004).

Mercury is back in town!